That's What's Up

I love this new song by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros!  {"That's What's Up"} I'd love nothing more than to hit rewind to a couple weekends ago and be back at Cain's, listening to them.

The shit has hit the fan for us.  Just when I thought surely we had met our quota of hard times, our entire livelihood was stolen from us.  Thieves will meet their maker one day.  If people would just chill the eff out and listen to some Edward Sharpe, I'm convinced there would be no crime or war in this world.

But while the last five years have been jam packed with loss and heartache, they've also been filled with an intense spiritual journey for me, and for us as a couple.  The old me would have completely freaked out over something like this.  But now, I know we will be taken care of, one way or another.    Jesus loves me, this I know. ;)  Oh and, we have two very strong willed guardian angels on our side up there named Jerry & Scottie.

For now, I'm just going to keep on praying and listening to my music.

Resolutions

Live A Healthy Lifestyle
Blah, blah, blah.  I know this is on everyone's list every January.  But for me, it's no longer just about losing weight and being focused on a number.  We lived a pretty healthy lifestyle last year until August, when Scottie passed away.  We were looking and feeling better than we had in a decade thanks to our healthy changes, but after August, we slowly rolled back down hill.  And once Halloween came, we gave up completely.  By December we felt sick, tired and unfocused.  It's proof to me that all those little choices we make throughout the day add up to a big deal = how we feel.  And I want to feel good, rested, energized and driven. 

So I'm back to my healthy ways that I started a year ago:
Eating the right foods and the right amounts of them.
Limiting foods that make me feel sluggish and give me headaches {sugars and breads}.
Eating as organic and un-processed as possible.
Cooking from scratch using real food {what a concept!}
Eat an apple a day.
Having treats in moderation {duh, I'm a foodie!}
Yoga three times a week {I love Mandy Ingber's Yogalosophy} & trying to be more active in general.
Plenty of sleep because I do not function well when I'm not rested!
As always, drinking lots of water {we've been a no pop family for 3 years now!}
Drinking apple cider vinegar a few times a week {1tbsp acv mixed with 8 oz water}.
Gargling salt water daily.
Taking vitamins.
And my new one I'm adding this year is green tea.  I'm going to try to drink at least one glass a day because green tea has antioxidants and is supposed to have numerous health benefits.

Be Creative and Productive
I've realized something about myself: I spend a lot of time finding great creative ideas and projects to try, mainly thanks to Pinterest {best thing ever}!  However, I rarely take the time to do any of them.  So I'm going to make a real effort to tap into my creative side and actually get things done. 

On my creative to do list:
Learn to sew {second attempt}
Learn to crochet {second attempt}
Revamp old stuff {spray paint is my best friend}
Makeover our house.  I've been working on this one a while.  We've lived here 5 years and my decorating tastes have changed.  I'm slowly trying to change the look in the house and make our spaces what we need them to be.  Projects in the works right now are turning our bonus room into an adorable playroom, turning our formal dining room into an office and making our utility room more functional. {All on a tight budget of course!}
Continue turning our backyard into our personal playground.  I'd love to add more landscaping, rocks, etc.  Maybe get a chiminea eventually.

Get Outdoors and Have Adventures
I hope 2012 is the year we finally take adventures.  We all want so badly to spend weekends camping, hiking and exploring Oklahoma.  And the weekends we aren't out having adventures, I want to be home.  I've decided we all hate running around.  We're just home bodies.  Don't get me wrong, we love going to arts festivals or bowling or any special outing like that.  We're just tired of running around just for the sake of finding something to do.  I think we all enjoy our time more at home, working on projects or playing outside.

Make More Time for Date Nights & Friends
You know when you hang out with friends and you leave thinking "that was fun, we should do it more often"?  Well, I really want to do it more often.  I hope to have lots of cookouts and nights out with friends this year.

Allen and I are pretty good about making time for date nights.  And we're pretty lucky that our Mom's are aways happy to watch the kids for us.  I hope 2012 brings many fun date nights for us, whether it's concerts or just a quiet dinner where we can actually have an un-interrupted conversation...something that's getting harder and harder with two young, happy and energetic kids!

And my last resolution is a biggie for me...

Let Go of Fear
I've been struggling for a while now with fear.  Fear of something bad happening.  But mainly fears over our health and us getting sick.  It seems I have to hit rock bottom on something in order to resolve it.  I have been gradually getting worse over the last year and hit my rock bottom this winter.  In my usual fashion, I've analyzed it all and I think I've figured out why I am trying so hard to control whether or not we get sick.  Even though my Dad died 4 1/2 years ago, this ugly scar of mine has moved to the surface.  I'm afraid of not being able to be healed.  The old me just assumed that if you got sick, doctors would fix you.  But I saw my Dad take his last breath and I could not help him.  And now 4 1/2 years later, seeing that has me paralyzed with fear of us getting sick and dying.  I know it sounds crazy, but it's amazing how such a tragic event can shape your thinking.  It hasn't helped matters that in 2011 both my babies had hospital visits for two very scary things.  And then losing Scottie so unexpectedly in August.  It's no wonder my fear of tragedy has gone off the grid.

But from this day forward, I am making a huge effort to let go of my fears.  None of it is in my hands and I'm just wasting my energy trying to control it.  It is time that I truly trust that God will take care of us.  That doesn't mean we won't get sick or experience tragedy.  But it means that God will guide us through it.  I need to trust his plan for me and I need to trust his timing.  Ironically, our first church sermon of the new year had a lot to do with letting go of fear.  Easier said than done, but I'm ready to take this leap of faith.

Momma's Boy

This lil guy is changing so fast lately.  He seems to have gotten taller overnight.  The little boy who has always tried to keep up with his sister is rapidly catching up to her in size & speed.  I'm afraid he is no longer a baby. :(  The good news is that the terrible twos {& threes} seem to be mostly a thing of the past.  Whew.  Those were some tough times.  He went from the happiest baby on earth to the most stubborn two year old on earth, seemingly overnight. 

And just like that, he has now moved on to silly prankster.  He cracks me up daily with his ornery antics.  When he doesn't know I'm looking, and I catch him hiding something from his sister.  He can't keep a straight face and neither can I while watching him.  He loves to hide from me and giggles the whole time I "look" for him. 

He has the funniest vocabulary, saying things like "that sure sounds like a good idea to me".  Or saying the prayer at dinner, "thank you for this lovely dinner".  Where does he come up with this stuff?

I may start making him wear a helmet.  He seems to bump his head, fall down or run into a wall daily.  He recently hit his head and had to get staples.  According to my mother in law, he gets this from his Daddy & this probably won't be our last visit to the after hours emergency clinic.  He did think the bright green bandage looked cool.  Here's a picture of Rambo.

And here he's making it clear that the photo shoot is over.

I'm afraid he's going to have a potty mouth when he grows up.  When I force him to do something dreadful {like wash his hands}, he storms off mumbling a three year olds version of curse words.  His favorite dirty word is stinky buttercups.  Say it in a ticked off three year old boy voice & you have a glimpse into my world.  I may just start yelling stinky buttercups at people who irritate me.

His favorite thing to do at home {since it's too cold to go outside & play in the dirt now} is sit in his room and play cars.  We used to play friendly, happy cars but these days the cars are always attacking each other.  Raising a little boy is a learning process. My toys never beat each other up as a kid, so I'm new to this.  He loves to pretend he's a robot monster attacking the cars.  Then I pretend to be a robot Mommy, attacking him with kisses.  He giggles, then says "okay, that's enough".  :)

Being a mom to a little boy is such a blessing.  He teaches me to think outside the box and say the alphabet in a monster voice to hold his interest.  He forces me to be thick skinned and not panic at every bump and bruise.  And Garrett is my little reminder not to take life too seriously and have some fun.

Moving Forward

I took a little break from blogging.  When I first started blogging a couple years ago, it was for my own personal viewing. I kept it private for a long time.  It was my therapy.  My outlet.   As a stay at home mom, it's easy to forget who you are besides "mom".  And this blog serves a huge purpose for me to stay in touch with all the little parts of me.  This has become my place in the universe to dump my thoughts, my recipes, my love for music & my randomness. I love blogging. But when you see that people are starting to read everything you've put out there, it gets a little intimidating. 

I am a true Gemini.  A walking contradiction.  One minute I'm an open book, the next I am reverting back into my shell.  So my rule is to blog when I'm loving it, and to take a break when it starts freaking me out. 

Life took another tragic turn for our family.  In August, Allen's Dad died suddenly of a heart attack.  It was a complete shock to us.  We had dinner with him the night before.  We sat at the restaurant and talked for a long time.  Allen sat by his Dad and Garrett sat on the other side of him.  Scottie cut Garrett's dinner up for him.  I'm thankful for that last dinner together with Scottie.  It was completely unplanned and spur of the moment.  I believe this is a perfect example of God working in our lives.  That unplanned last dinner with Scottie was a gift.

The next day we got a call from the Chaplain at the hospital, telling us to come fast.  He wouldn't tell us any details over the phone.  I drove Allen's Grandma {Scottie's Mom} to the hospital & I knew in my heart that our lives would be different on our drive back home. 

It is so hard to wrap my head around all the loss Allen & I have suffered together.  In five short years, we've lost both our Fathers and Allen's best friend, Justin.  I've had to tell Sydney twice that a Grandpa has died.  As a Mother, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Looking at their sweet, innocent faces and knowing that what I'm about to say will change them forever. 

Our future flashed before my eyes after saying my last good bye to Scottie.  My babies don't have Grandpas.  Our Mother's are both widows.  Allen & I are both broken and so are our entire families.  How do we make sure our children have a firm foundation to grow on when everyone is broken?   I know Allen has a long, hard road ahead of him.  I want to help him, but I know all I can do is just be here for him.  Here to listen.  Here to hug.  Here to cry.  Here to pick up the slack when he can't muster the strength.  But grief is a private battle within your soul. 

At the end of a dark & tragic turn in life, there is always the opportunity for enlightenment.  Once you are faced with the reality that our time here on this earth can end suddenly, you are forced to evaluate the path you've chosen.  And once you decide the right path, it is time to move forward...one baby step at a time. 

Scottie & Garrett tilling our family garden.

Allen chose the perfect song to play at his Dad's funeral service. 

Dan Auerbach ~ "Goin Home"

We've Got The Love

I was really moved by a story that was told at church a few weeks ago: {I'm paraphrasing}

A woman heard a knock at the door.  She opened the door to find three men standing there.  She invited them to come in, but they told her she could only invite one into her home.  They told her their names...Love, Wealth and Success.  They told her to discuss it with her husband to decide who to invite in.  She and her husband discussed the matter and, at first, we're very tempted to invite Wealth into their home.  But upon further thought, they decided to invite Love in.  The woman opened the door and asked Love to come in.  He walked into the house and the other two men followed him.  She asked, "why did you all three come in if I could only invite one?" The men then explained to her that if she had invited Wealth or Success, only one could have come in.  But because she invited Love, they all could enter the house.  Because where Love goes, Wealth and Success must follow.

Isn't that a great message?  One thing's for sure, Love is in our home.  Maybe one day, his friends Wealth and Success will follow.  And we can all live happily ever after. :)

Goodbye 2010...Hello 2011

I love the feeling of the new year beginning.  The feeling of wiping the slate clean and starting over.  Like most people, the new year brings for me fresh ideas and inspiration.  That feeling that I can make this new year anything I want it to be.  2010 was a year of self discovery for me.  It was the year of moving on after such a great loss & learning to live my life again and in a new way. 

I am feeling a desire to do more and tap into my creative side.  Whether my creations be food, crafts, art, photos or all of the above.  I want to take little adventures and explore Oklahoma.  I want to spend time in a cabin in the woods and take pictures of nature and my kids.  I want to learn to knit and play the piano.  I want to learn to use my new camera! {Thanks again, Allen.}  I have several business ideas buzzing in my head, but being here for Garrett is my first priority during the day...so if those ideas are do-able, great.  If not, one day way too soon, Garrett will be in school & I will have more time to pursue business ideas.  {I cannot even think about him going to school without freaking out.}

I want to take gardening to the next level now that I, somewhat, know what I'm doing.  I want to eat as organically and locally as possible.  We will be getting a Whole Foods soon and I am so excited to see it.  I've never been in one and I am picturing a grocery store utopia.  I want to learn to can food and raise chickens.  I want to learn to make more types of breads, like french breads and baguettes.  And I am very excited to make eating homemade food convenient.  I have a ton of ideas in my head and have been trying some things out.  I can't wait to share it all soon. 

I have personal goals too.  Things I want to do to improve myself inside and out.  Like so many people, I STILL want to lose weight.  I do not care about being a certain weight or size.  I just want to feel good in my own skin, like the way I look in my clothes and feel strong and energetic.  I want to take care of my body now so that it will work for me when I'm older.

2010 Year End Review
* Garrett turned 2

* Sydney turned 6

* I turned 32

* Allen turned 33

* Allen & I had our 9 year anniversary

* Sydney started all day Kindergarten

* We decided our family was complete

* We learned to eat organic & cook from scratch

* We grew our first garden

* We simplified & cut back on our spending

* We started paying off debt

* We stayed home A LOT

* I changed my hair like 5 times

* Allen grew a woolly beard

* We started going to church

* I exercised pretty consistently

* I started blogging

* I stopped using any over the counter meds, other than the occasional Tylenol or Ibuprofen.  Instead, I started treating colds with humidifiers, netti pots, gurgling salt water, homemade chicken noodle soup, lots of water & rest.

* We switched many of our household & hygiene products to non-toxic versions {Tom's, Burt's Bees, Seventh Generation, & lots of vinegar}

* I loved these bands:
The Avett Brothers
Band of Horses
Fleet Foxes
Kings of Leon
Bon Iver
Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
Local Natives
Passion Pit
Arcade Fire
The Black Keys
Florence & the Machine
Camera Obscura
She & Him
Cat Power
The Joy Formidable
The Middle East
Phoenix

I can't wait to see what the next year brings for us!

This is the look Allen gives me when I take pictures of
us doing totally random things in public.

~ HAPPY NEW YEAR! ~

The End of the Long, Hard Summer...And the Beginning of The Avett Brothers.

I'm so glad to say goodbye to Summer and hello to Fall.  I'm not a Summer girl to begin with...I hate the heat, hate lakes, hate hot cars, hate crowds...you get the idea.  I like cool, crisp air, camping in the woods, bubble baths and sitting by the fireplace and snuggling up next to Allen & the kids.  But this Summer made me extra grumpy.

We decided to pay off our debt.  This means saying no to all the fun extras.  We are putting all our money towards paying our bills, necessities and whatever is left is going towards paying down debt.  Yeah, so that makes for a fun summer!  It's easy to start feeling sorry for myself, especially in the age of social networking where everyone proudly announces all their fun vacations and new toys.  (I swear one day I am closing my facebook account, and I'll be a better person for it)  But I try to stay focused on the goal.  Financial freedom.  Paying cash for everything.  And ultimately, not even having a house payment.  I am not driven by money or material things.  I am driven by freedom.  Freedom to do what I want with my time and my money.  And once we have no debt, it will feel great to buy something, guilt free.  I am already changed.  I was never a reckless spender, but I now realize how much crap we thought we needed, we never needed at all. 

About the same time we came running out of the gate, ready to pay off debt, our business slowed down.  One income household + self employed + Oklahoma's delayed reaction to the recession = uh oh.  We'll be fine.  It's just going to take a little longer to pay off the debt.  So the slow business added to our summer fun.

We were pretty intense this summer.  We contemplated two very big decisions.  1. do we want more kids?  We decided no.  Our family feels very complete.  So we had the snippity snip procedure and sealed that deal.  2. We also considered picking up and moving our little family and making a new start.  After many late nights & deep conversations, lots of driving around exploring new territories (to us) and weighing all the pros and cons, we decided to stay.  So our roots are firmly planted and this is our home.  This is the home we will raise our kids in.  So I have tucked away my restlessness. 

Add to the mix, some car problems, dryers that stopped working in the middle of drying lots of wet towels, and Sydney starting all day Kindergarten (huge life change since she's been home with me from day one)...and you get a pretty stressful summer.  However, we did make two big changes that will save us over $450 a month!  Yay!

But you know what also happened this Summer?  We re-discovered our religion.  Together, as a couple.  As a family.  After a decade of questioning everything we were raised with.  We both started feeling pulled back in that direction.  So we gave it a try.  We went back to the church we were raised with and it felt like coming back home.  It's been an amazing experience.  And it's been amazing to be on the same page as a couple and experience it together.  Everything is very clear to me now.  I can't really articulate it just yet.  But all my dots are connecting.  And I feel closer to my Dad when I'm in church.  Maybe he was pulling me back in the right direction.

Despite all our hardships this Summer, we were positive, we became closer and we had faith.  I truly believe that God will give us what we need.  The key is to learn to differentiate between needs and wants.  Many wants just clutter our lives with junk and distractions.  And I certainly have learned the lesson that all that really matters in life is our loved ones and our health.  I would trade the most devastating financial problems for just one more day with my Dad. 

I felt very stagnant this Summer.  Just stuck on pause.  I didn't even spend much time checking out new music.  That is not like me at all.  I've been needing something new to listen to and just checked out The Avett Brothers.  This is just what I needed!  I am loving their music and it so fits my vibe right now!  Allen & I did make one "splurge" purchase recently.  We bought tickets to see Band of Horses!  They are one of our favorite bands and they're coming around our anniversary.  I cannot go an entire year without hearing some great live music! 

So I welcome Fall with open arms.  I'm ready for the cool air and the falling leaves and to get my life back in motion again.  Here's some Avett Brothers for you to enjoy!

A Girl Has The Right To Change Her Mind

So it seems I have changed my mind on several topics. 

First, I started blogging here at the first of the year.  However, I have decided to move on over to Blogger!  So if you'd like to read my story up to this point, feel free to check out my tumblr.

So here's my story thus far, in a nut shell.  I'm a 32 year old stay at home mom to two kids.  Sydney (almost 6) and Garrett (2).  I've been married to Allen for almost 9 years.  We dated for 4.  And we became friends 18 years ago.  Yikes!  That makes me feel old!  I love being home with my kids, I love cooking, I love music and I love a glass of wine from time to time!

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's the experience of seeing my Dad (my hero) die in my arms 3 years ago that has awakend a part of me that had been sleeping.  I have completely changed my life in a very short time.  It's amazing when you realize that certain things you always believed are no longer your truths. 

I have detoxed my life one baby step at a time.  It began with giving up all soda 1 1/2 years ago.  I haven't had a drop since and will never drink it again.  I gave it up because I didn't want my kids to drink it.  It's best to lead by example, so it was time to be a grown up and start kicking my bad habits!  Next, I went off birth control pills once I realized they were messing with my head and my body!  After having Garrett, my body reacted differently to birth control and it wasn't pretty.  I actually worried I was entering menopause at an extremely young age!  Once I stopped taking the pills, the fog in my head lifted, the irritability ended, and I felt like myself for the first time in a long time.  I will never take them again!  In fact, I hope to never take any pills, except for the occasional Tylenol or Antibiotic.  But only when absolutely necessary. 

So once I made the connection that what we put in our bodies directly effects how we feel, think, sleep, treat others, etc.  I began educating myself on organic & local eating.  Now we eat REAL food, mostly organic and mostly local.  My pantry used to be full of boxes of "food".  Now the pantry is filled with beans, pasta, flour, sugar, etc.  I make REAL food for my family to eat.  You won't find a frozen chicken nugget in this house!  And now I have moved to the bathroom cabinets and thrown out all products with toxic chemicals.  All it takes is a little education to change the way you perceive the world around you. 

So I have gone from an overweight, worn down, tired unhealthy girl to what I am today...which is still a work in progress! :)  And although I still have some more weight to knock off, I feel, eat, sleep and think better than I have in a decade.  I eat well, I exercise, I get plenty of sleep and I try not to sweat the small stuff now.

My motto for life now is a quote by George Eliot - "It's never too late to be what you might have been".  And I am going to be everything I ever wanted to be in this life! 

So, on the topic of changing my mind.  I tried out making my own laundry soap for a while and I have now decided that I HATE doing it & it doesn't get our clothes clean enough.  So I'm a Tide girl at the moment and it's pathetic how happy it makes me to sniff and feel our freshly washed clothes.  I'm telling ya, the whites really are whiter & and everything is softer!  No more clouds of borax & washing soda dust drifting in the air of my kitchen as I mix it all in my food processor!  I'm so over it!  Not to mention, I don't think it was great to be sniffing those powdery fumes.  Now in my journey of non-toxic products, I'm sure I'll end up using Seventh Generation.  But honestly, I had never bought Tide because it was so expensive and I just wanted to know what it was like!  It's pretty awesome.  And it's pretty pathetic that I have so much to say about laundry soap! :)

Lastly, I stated in the past that I didn't believe in organized religion.  Well, just to clarify, I didn't really believe in it for about a decade.  But recently I was feeling pulled in that direction.  I made the leap and went to church and have been going ever since.  It feels good, it feels right and I'm glad my kids are going to grow up with it.  I have been realizing that part of what is wrong with our society today is the lack of church and God in people's lives.  Believe me, I never would have been saying something like this a year ago.  But remember, a girl always has a right to change her mind!